Feld was coughing and choking and there was something on top of him and he could not open his eyes. He wiggled his fingers and felt them move through warm dirt and mud. He shook them furiously forward and back and up and down until he felt cold air on his skin. He dragged them upward until they found his face and scraped dirt and mud and snow until his face was clean and he was breathing in air again.

He opened his eyes.

It was Huston on top of him. Huston was not moving either. 

Feld shook him wildly and screamed his name as loud as he could. He lost his breath fast and was having a hard time breathing in. But he kept screaming, he knew he had to keep shaking. Huston would wake up soon if he just kept trying.

Feld shook harder and harder and yelled louder and louder and felt Huston finally wrench awake. Huston rolled off and onto the ground next to him and Feld sat up quickly and took deep breaths. He felt air bursting into his body. 

He stood and looked around. There was a lot of smoke rising into the sky. He could not see the top of the school or any other buildings because he was too small. He looked at Huston and saw that his coat was ripped through at the back with long tears from the top to the bottom and that the back of his head was bleeding. Huston jumped on top of him and saved him. He was a good brother.

“Huston, are you okay?” He could hear the panic in his own voice.

“Yes,” Huston responded. He was still lying on the ground, on the side. His eyes were open.

“Are you sure? You’re bleeding on your head.”

Huston sat up and winced, looking at Feld.

“It’s okay. Are you okay?”

“Just cold.”

Feld looked behind him and saw large stones in the water that weren’t there before. They were smoking, he traced a path back to the buildings that were on fire and turned to his big brother.

“Did those…”

“Yeah, I think so,” Huston responded.

“Thank you, Huston.”

Huston was slowly getting up now and Feld rushed over to help him. He knew he was not helpful but he still tried his hardest.

“Don’t mention it,” Huston said through gritted teeth as he came to standing.

“What was that?”

“I don’t know. It was like a bomb or something.”

“Why would there be a bomb?”

“I don’t know, Feld.” Huston was sounding frustrated.

They wiped dirt and mud off of each other. Feld saw Huston looking back at Hillston for the first time and saw his face drop.

“What’s wrong?”

“Nothing.”

He was lying. Huston always swallowed hard before he lied and he did it this time, too. And his face looked very sad. His eyes were searching the distance.

“Is our house okay?”

“I can’t see it. It’s probably fine.”

He lied again and Feld started to feel worried. Huston turned to him and saw that he looked worried and knelt down.

“Look. It will be fine no matter what. Will you stay here while I go check it out?”

“No.” Feld did not want to be alone and it was cold and he was worried.

“Please. I just want to make sure it’s safe.” Huston made his voice sound like moms when she was trying to use logic to get her way. But Feld wasn’t interested.

“I want to go. It’s too cold out here.”

Huston took a deep breath and grabbed Feld’s hand.

“Walk fast, okay? And stay close no matter what.”

Feld nodded and they walked away from the stream and toward their house. 

It was much more quiet than Feld thought it would be as they walked because no one was in their house. Even when they saw people, they were silent near the edge of town. Most of the houses seemed fine but some of them had holes in the tops and those people were standing outside their houses in silence. Feld thought they must be surprised.

As they got closer to the school it felt like everyone was walking in the same direction but no one was turning around or looking in any direction other than forward and they did not talk at all. Feld thought it was kind of like a funeral. He held on tight to Huston and walked as fast as he could even though his legs were not that long. The closer they got to the school, the faster Huston pulled him. Feld saw more stones on the ground and holes in walls  and there were more and more people standing outside of what used to be their houses not moving. Almost frozen. He noticed some had tears on their face. 

When they came around the corner Feld saw that the school was not there anymore. The whole top of the building was gone and the inside was on fire. There were people going in and out of the fire but no one was making any sounds. Just standing. Breathing.

Feld tried to stop but Huston pulled him on.

They walked past the school and around another corner and Feld noticed that a lot of the buildings near the school were mostly destroyed. The school was one of the biggest buildings in Hillston and it looked like the giant stones from the top had burst off and fallen on a lot of the buildings that were near it. Feld did not know what could do this. 

They came to the front of their house and the front and sides were still standing but there was a big hole in the roof and a lot of the top of the house had caved in. Huston stopped them and they stared silently for a long time. Huston held his hand almost too tight. Frozen.

Then Huston let go.

“Stay here.”

It was not a question this time and Feld did not argue. 

He watched Huston run into the house and he counted his breaths. 

One, two three.

His teacher taught him how to count his breaths when he was too nervous because it was supposed to help change his focus. 

Four, five six.

Feld was not good at getting in front of the class to give a presentation or even talking to other kids and so the teachers were always giving him new ways to help him. 

Seven, eight, nine.

This was the only thing that ever worked except that he would count out loud because he was not good at counting in his head yet and so the kids all thought he was weird. 

Ten, eleven, twelve.

It was not working right now because he could not stop wondering if all of his stuffed animals were okay. 

Thirteen, fourteen, fifteen.

He had three stuffed animals that he kept at school and only one at home and they had belonged to his grandfather and only a couple of other kids had stuffed animals so he was really proud of them. 

Sixteen, seventeen, eighteen.

Were the teachers there to save the stuffed animals? Were the teachers there now?

Nineteen, twenty, twenty-one.

When Huston came back out of the house it had been one hundred and two breaths. 

Huston was walking backwards and dragging their mom with all of his strength. Feld ran over as fast as he could and grabbed her arm and started pulling too. He couldn’t tell if he was helping.

They pulled her out into the middle of the road and Feld let her go and looked at her body for the first time. It was limp and she had bruises on her arms and legs. She was still wearing her pajamas and her hair was messy and dark against the snow on the ground. Feld thought that she must be cold and so he started to take off his jacket so he could give it to her but then he saw her face. It was crushed in the middle and there was blood and Feld could barely make it out. 

There was a lot of blood. 

Feld jumped back and let out a scream and noticed that Huston had fallen to his bottom and was holding their mom’s hand and crying and saying that he did not know what to do and that he did not want to leave her in the house and that’s why he dragged her out. 

Feld watched Huston shake and cry and knew that his mom was not cold and that she did not need his jacket.

He did not cry right away. He could not stop looking at her arm and how heavy it looked. It looked heavy like the arm of the man they saw hanging at the house on the top of the hill. And Feld could not stop himself from wondering if all dead people looked heavy like that. He did not want them to feel heavy. He did not want them to be weighed down because they were dead. Dead people should be light because they were more free. They should be like leaves and fly away. He thought that was how the world should work. And he wished that his mom’s arm was not heavy. He wanted her to be light. But dead people are heavy. And his mom was dead.

And then the tears came.